The Process of Change

I recently was reading The True Cost of Happiness: The Real Story Behind Managing Your Money by Stacey Tisdale and Paula Boyer Kennedy.  In it I ran across a fabulous outline of the process of change.   While this outline was inserted in a money management book (pp98-120), I could immediately see that the principles were much more generally applicable, so I want to quote it here.  It is applicable for those who wish to change to become more organized and it is applicable all kinds of change.  While it doesn’t necessarily tell you how to change, it can help you understand where you are in the process of changing so that you can retain realistic expectations of what you can accomplish and so that you can know where you can focus your efforts that will bring better success. 

“Changing for Good”

Drs. Prochaska, Norcross, and DiClemente studied thousands of what they call “self-changers” in their efforts to identify what allowed them to successfully change their behavior.  Self-changers are people who have changed without psychotherapy.  Many of them have successfully reversed serious addictions to alcohol, drugs, cigarettes, food, and emotional distress on their own.

The doctors by no means have anything against therapy. Many people need assistance and guidance in order to change. It can be argued, however, that therapy is professionally coached self-change.  Therapy can be a useful step in the change process, but at some point the client has to do the heavy lifting alone.

After years of research, Dr. Prochaska and his colleagues identified six well-defined stages of change in all successful self-changers:

1.     Precontemplation
2.     Contemplation
3.     Preparation
4.     Action
5.     Maintenance
6.     Termination

The key to successful is in knowing where you are in the change process and applying the right technique.  You must be ready….

The Nine Tools for Change

Consciousness Raising.  This is about awareness. You need to be aware that a certain belief or behavior exists. It’s also about becoming aware of the ways in which you use your defenses, resistance, and “mental tricks” to maintain a certain belief or behavior….

Social Liberation. This involves finding external environments where you have more choices and alternatives for your desired behavior. No-smoking areas, for example, provide an alternative for smokers.

Emotional Arousal. This is similar to consciousness raising, but it works on a deeper level.  You may be aware of a spending problem, for example, but that awareness moves to a different level when you realize you don’t have the money to cover the cost of your child’s tuition.

Self-Reevalution.  This involves reappraising your problem and thinking about how your life will be once you’ve conquered it. During this type of reevaluation you can really see and believe that your life will be better without the behavior you want to change. The pros outweigh the cons as well as the costs of what you have to give up.

Commitment. This is an acknowledgement that you are the only one who can act on your behalf—you willingly accept responsibility for the change you want to make and what it will take to make it. The first step involves telling yourself you are ready for change. The second involves going public and telling others that you have made a firm decision to change. Public commitments can be very powerful and effective when it comes to changing behavior!

Countering. This involves substituting healthy responses for [an] unhealthy one….The key is to keep trying until you find countering behaviors that work.

Environmental Control. There are some similarities to the social liberation and countering techniques in environmental control. In environmental control, however, you activevly restructure your environment so that the probability of the problem-causing behavior’s occurring is reduced.  Leaving your credit card at home would be an example of controlling your environment….

Reward. This involves things like self-praise or getting yourself a present when you reach a certain goal. These things can be under your control, or the control of others….One thing to watch out for is that many of us do not believe that we have [the] right to be rewarded when we change or modify a behavior, yet we believe that we deserve to be punished when we fall short of our goals. Dr. Prochaska and his colleagues discovered that punishment is rarely used by successful self-changers.

Helping Relationships.  This involves getting care and support from significant people in your life. Many of us have trouble admitting when we need help, so we limit our opportunities for assistance. In addition, many of the people we care about may be uncomfortable hearing that we’re in trouble. They may find it difficult to provide the support we’re looking for. It’s important to identify the people who can provide the type of support that you need when you employ this technique….

The Six Stages of Change

The Precontemplation Stage of Change

The first stage  of change is called precontemplation. People in this stage usually have no intention of changing their behavior.  Few in this stage think they have a problem at all.  Precontemplation is characterized by resistance, excuses, rationalizations, and denial.

Precontemplators rarely want to change themselves, just the people and circumstancees around them. If people around you have been trying to get you to change your lifestyle or certain behaviors, like losing weight, quitting smoking, or eliminating debt, but you think the problem is with them and not you, you’re probably in precontemplation! Movement out of this stage is often unintentional.

“Precontemplators are likely to stay stuck in this stage unless one of two things happens: A crisis occurs, or an event like becoming a parent, turning 50, or some other milestone—situations where your environment no longer supports your lifestyle,” Dr. Prochaska told me.

Defense Machanisms for Precontemplators.  Precontemplators are often demoralized, feeling like a situation is their fate. They don’t want to think or talk about their problem because they feel the situation is hopeless. These feelings of inevitable failure protect them from trying to change.  They give up on themselves, and accept one or more of what Dr. Prochaska and his colleagues have identified as the Four Self-Change Myths.

Myth 1: Self change is simple. It’s simply not!  We shouldn’t become embarrassed or frustrated by our struggles, or feel bad if someone tells us they had an easier time making a change than we did.

Myth 2: It just takes willpower. Willpower doesn’t really come into play until you’re ready to take action. As Dr. Prochaska says, it can seem reasonable to conclude that you don’t have enough willpower if you fail to make a desired change. But failure to change when relying on willpower alone really means that willpower alone was not enough!

Myth 3: I’ve tried everything; nothing works. This goes back to timing—making sure that you’ve used the right process, at the right time, in your change effort.

Myth 4: People don’t really change. Dr. Prochaska and his colleagues have blown this myth out of the water, by interviewing countless numbers of successful self-changers. We’ve all changed. Look at a picture of yourself 10 years ago. Now look in the mirror. Think about how your attitudes, beliefs, and behaviors have also changed over the past decade. Change happens in all of us, whether we want it to or not.

Precontemplation or Lifestyle Choice? It can be difficult to identify whether you are a precontemplator or you’re simply living the life of your choosing. Some people truly believe, for example, that they are okay with debt and overspending. Dr. Prochaska says the following three questions can help distinguish between problem behavior and lifestyle choices:

1.     Do you discuss your behavior pattern? Precontemplators are usually defensive. They tend to tell people to mind their own business. They tend to see feedback as an attempt to control them, rather than a sign of caring. They use their defense mechanisms to avoid an issue.
2.     Are you well informed about your behavior?  Precontemplators tend to avoid learning about their problems. If they see an article or television show about getting out of debt, they would likely turn the page or channel.
3.     Are you willing to take responsibility for the consequences of your behavior?

Successful Change Techniques for Precontemplators. Dr. Prochaska found that precontemplators use three change techniques to move out of this stage: consciousness raising, helping relationships, and social liberation….

Helping Relationships.  Our defenses rarely fool others. Think about someone who cares about you and will “call you out on your stuff!” This person should not rush you toward action before you are ready, but they should help you come up with different ways to look at your problem. Precontemplators rarely change without outside assistance…..

Social Liberation. Self-help groups…are great examples of resources for precontemplators.  Your ability to enjoy non-…destructive behavior will do wonders for your self-esteem.

The Contemplation Stage of Change

As a person moves from the precontemplation stage to the contemplation stuage, he or she starts to seriously consider making a change. Awareness is developed during contemplation—awareness of the consequences of various actions and awareness of the benefits of change.

Contemplators want to change, but this stage is also characterized by resistance, due in large part to a fear of failure. They are also fearful of losing some, or all, of their identity. “I’ve been a shopaholic all of my life. If I give that up, what will I do with my friends on the weekends?”

These fears tend to bring out the procrastinator in the contemplator. In fact, many chronic contemplators substitute thinking for acting. Conflicts and problems hang suspended. Decisions are never finalized. Some in this stage seem to be waiting for some kind of divine intervention to come along and change them.

Contemplators are not ready to prepare for action until they achieve greater understanding of their behavior. This is a positive aspect of the stage. Dr. Prochaska says jumping into action while you’re in this stage will almost surely lead to failure.

Defense Mechanisms for Contemplators.  Dr. Prochaska and his colleagues have identified these common traps that contemplators can fall into:

·      The search for absolute certainty. People who are stuck in contemplation may tend to spend their time analyzing, thinking, and worrying, instead of taking action. Some people, for example, will spend decades in therapy, exploring every aspect of various issues, without taking actual steps to change their situation. They seem to harbor the belief that if they get enough information, change will be easy or the problem will go away.
·      Waiting for the magic moment. Someday….I’ll quit smoking.  Someday, I’ll get out of this unhealthy relationship. Most of us are familiar with the concept of waiting for the perfect time for change. It’s driven by a belief that there will be a magic moment when change will just happen or, at least, be easy. When the kids grow up. When things slow down. Things, of course, never slow down.
·      Wishful thinking. It’s much easier to wish for change than to work towards it. The problem is that wishing rarely works….
·      Premature action. Trying to take an action before you’re ready can serve as a conscious or an unconscious way out.  Dr. Prochaska is quick to point out that a period of contemplation prior to taking action is essential for lasting change. Premature action can also come as a result of being nagged or threatened by an outside party. When failure comes, the contemplator can now say, “See, I tried. I knew I couldn’t do it. Get off my back.” Now they can justify putting off future attempts to change.

Successful Change Techniques for Contemplators.  Dr. Prochaska and his colleagues found that contemplators use four change techniques to more out of this stage: emotional arousal, consciousness raising, self-reevaluation, and helping relationships.

Emotional Arousal.  As we discussed emotional arousal happens on a deeper level than simply becoming aware of your problem behavior and its consequences. Losing a business, a job, or a relationship over financial issues; an illness; or other life-changing events can provide the kind of emotional charge that is needed to make the decision to change a behavior.

Dr. Prochaska says we can also emotionally arouse ourselves. He says movies that focus on our specific problem are wonderful ways to rouse emotions. He cites Jack Lemmon’s portrayal of an alcoholic in the movie Save the Tiger as a motivating event for many alcoholics. Creating your own stimulus can also be helpful. Overweight people, for example may want to use mirrors to encourage them to change….

Your imagination can be a great tool as well. Think about your problem behavior and imagine the distressing scenarios it could lead to. Think about the people it is affecting and the consequences to your lifestyle. Imagine how this behavior will play out 5, 10, or 20 years down the road.

Consciousness Raising. If you’re in the contemplation stage of change, you’re probably more open to hearing information about your problem than someone still in precontemplation.  Use this as an opportunity to gather information that can motivate you to change your behavior.

Come up with questions that will raise your level of consciousness about your problem, such as:

·      What do my finances have to look like in order for me to retire in 10 years?
·      How long will it take me to pay off my credit card debt if I pay only the minimum?
·      What are my triggers for overspending?
·      What am I thinking and feeling before I make a purchase that works against my goals?....

Self-reevaluation.  Take the information you learned about a behavior and its consequences through consciousness raising and put some well-informed though into how you’ll feel if you continue to act in the same way.  How will I feel about myself if I continue to stick my head in the sand...?  In addition to asking the “tough questions,” Dr. Prochaska and his colleagues noticed that contemplators getting ready to move out of this stage begin to think before they act.  Pausing and thinking before you make a purchase or a financial decision can do wonders for your financial stability.

Contemplators also create a new self-image for themselves. “If I move past this behavior, how will I feel?  How will others think of me?  What types of things will I be saying and doing?”  They begin to act according to their new image.  Contemplators also make a decision to take action, sooner rather than later, after weighing the consequences of change to themselves and others around them.

Helping relationships. Contemplators benefit a great deal from empathy—someone who’s able to see his or her perspective. Unconditional support and warmth is also critical during the contemplation phase. No insults threats, “I told you so,” or false praise. Dr. Prochaska says it’s wise to remember that “warmth begets warmth.” The best way to ignite warmth and compassion from your helpers is to extend it. Helpers can also offer assistance with gathering information that could be helpful during self-reevaluation and consciousness raising.

The Preparation Stage of Change

People in this stage are usually planning to take action within the next month and are making the necessary adjustments before they begin to change their behavior.

“They are preparing for how hard taking action is really going to be. They are creating a plan to deal with the expected and unexpected challenges that are to come, because their realization of the benefits of change have gone up,” Dr. Prochaska told me.

Preparation is the cornerstone of effective action.  When it comes to financial behavior, preparation could include things like setting up accounts to have money automatically allocated toward your goals….

In this stage, the focus has shifted to what life will be like once you have changed your behavior.  Dr. Prochaska gives the example of a therapy group for people addicted to cocaine.  Those who were in the contemplating stage delighted in talking about their war stories—the crazy things they did to get cocaine, the crazy things it did to them  This was appropriate because they were still in the decision-making stage.  Those in the preparation stage found these stories to be distracting.  They talked about how their lives and relationships would change for the better without cocaine.

Dr. Prochaska and his colleagues found that people who rushed into action without preparation usually failed to make the changes they desired.

Successful Change Techniques for Those in the Preparation Stage.  People in the preparation stage use three techniques to move forward: self-reevaluation, helping relationships, and commitment.

Self-Reevaluation.  Using self-reevaluation to create a new image absent your destructive behavior will help you let go of the past.  Ask yourself: What is my potential if I change?  What will it free me up to become?  How will my life be enhanced?  This type of forward-looking self-inquiry allows people in this stage to turn away from old behavior.  It can be scary and downright hard to let go of habits and patterns, but “your new self will be there to greet you.”  In addition, people in the preparatory stage can use self-reevaluation to help them make change a priority.  As you plan for your life without the…behaviors you want to change, what do you need to do?

Helping Relationships.  The preparation stage usually involves notice-able changes that may affect the people around you.  If you haven’t enlisted their help, this is a good time to do so.  In addition, it can be quite tempting and easy to give up in the first days and weeks of your new behaviors.  You may need the support of helping relationships now more than ever.

Dr. Prochaska says it’s important to let people know the best ways to help you.  Tell them, for example:

• “Don’t keep asking how I’m doing.”
• “Lend a helping hand when you see that I’m overwhelmed.”
• “Tell me how proud you are that I’m doing this.”

Commitment.  While commitment involves a willingness to act and focus on the ways in which you want to change, the spark that really ignites its force is your belief in your ability to change.  Believing in how you’ve assessed yourself and your problem during self-reevaluation will help build your will and your confidence.  Still, Dr. Prochaska says, at some point you’re just going to have to make tough choices when you are committed to change, and throw yourself into a new way of behaving.  Even the strongest commitment and intention, however, can be overwhelmed by fear of failure.  There are no guarantees that change will be successful.  Dr. Prochaska says we must learn to accept the anxiety that comes with this fear.  He offers these five commitment techniques to help combat that stress:

1. Take small steps.  Gathering the emotional and physical supplies you need to prepare for action should not be underestimated or rushed.  Cut up your credit cards, for example, before you take more aggressive steps to get out of debt.
2. Set a date.  Choosing a date can help prevent premature action and prolonged procrastination.  The date should be realistic, but as soon as possible, so that you can capitalize on the momentum you’ve built to make this change.
3. Go public. Going public with your intended change not only enlists the support of people who care about you, but also gives you a fear of embarrassment if you fail.  Both can be a major motivator when it comes to staying committed.
4. Prepare for a major operation.  If you were having a major operation, you would plan for it and your recovery. Do the same for the behavior you want to overcome. Put the “surgery” first.  That means your relationships, moods, and other areas of your life will change accordingly. Also, plan to take as much time as you need to recover, just as you would after a physical surgery.
5. Create your own plan of action.  Knowing yourself and what works for you is critical when it comes to creating a specific plan of action. Your plan should list a variety of techniques for coping with expected barriers. Spending one day a month versus one day a week with your neighbor who pushes the “keep up with the Gateses” button, for example. Reviewing your previous attempts to change may also hold valuable information about your barriers.

The Action Stage of Change

When you are prepared to make the changes you desire, and you’ve planned for them, action can come naturally.  You’re committed and you’re motivated. Now you can act…. Taking action also involves making the difficult changes in your life that will allow you to alter your behavior  This could mean avoiding certain places and people or getting rid of things in your everyday environment so that you can stay focused.  Being aware of the pitfalls during this stage greatly improves your chances for success.  Dr. Prochaska and his colleagues identified these four danger zones:

1. Taking preparation too lightly. More often than not, action without preparation will not last for very long.  Without the necessary preparation and plan for temptation, the inclination to return to the problem behavior is too strong.
2. Cheap change.  Change requires work, effort, enormous energy, and standing up to the efforts by others to hold onto the old you. Your best friend may try to talk you back into your old spending patterns to assuage her own guilt.  Standing up to this pressure is extremely difficult, but there’s nothing cheap or easy about change.
3. The myth of the magic bullet.  Many of us believe that there is one magic way to bring about successful change.  Dr. Prochaska says some people are attracted to his work because they believe it provides some miracle cure. Relying on a single technique will likely lead to failure. Try different techniques in different doses until you find one that works for you.
4. More of the same. Many of us have a tendency to cling to old techniques that are bringing partial success or no success at all.  By holding onto old methods, we don’t allow room for change, and we don’t give ourselves opportunities to recognize that other, perhaps better, techniques and variations exist. Combining a variety of techniques at the right time is the best way to get your desired results.

Successful Change Techniques for People in the Action Stage. Dr. Prochaska and his colleagues found that people who successfully moved through the action stage of change used four techniques: countering, environmental control, rewards, and helping relationships.

Countering.  This involves finding a healthy substitute for the behaviors you want to change.  This eliminates much of the risk of the old habits returning.

I once interviewed Dr. Bernard Arons about behavior substitutions for people with addictions.  Dr. Arons is the executive director and CEO of the National Development and Research Institutes, which does scientific research on substance abuse and other health concerns.  He has served in a number of positions, including mental health and substance abuse adviser to Tipper Gore during the Clinton administration in the early 1990s.  During our interview, he pointed out that when we engage in a behavior that we know is self-sabotaging (e.g. reckless spending), we experience some form of gratification.  Perhaps shopping gives a sense of control to someone who feels that his or her life is in chaos. He says it is important to find an alternative nondestructive way to achieve that same effect.  This can be very helpful when it comes to finding effective countering techniques.

Dr. Prochaska and his colleagues identify these effective countering techniques:

·      Active diversion.  Keep busy.  Find an activity to preclude problem behavior.  This could be anything—reading a book, calling a friend, walking…--anything that refocuses your energy.
·      Exercise.  This is one of the most beneficial substitutes for problem behavior.  Dr. Prochaska says omitting exercise from a self-change plan is like fighting a foe with one hand tied behind your back. Exercise prepares you mentally and physically for change and reduces your stress levels.
·      Relaxation.  Research has shown that 10 to 20 minutes of daily deep relaxation can bring lasting improvement to your physical and mental health. You will experience an increase in energy, which is needed to take action. Decreased anxiety, improved sleep, and improved concentration are other positive effects.  Yoga, meditation, prayer, and progressive muscle relaxation (systematically relaxing every part of your body) are some of the relaxation techniques successful self-changers use.
·      Counterthinking.  We’ve had much discussion about the importance of “rewriting your scripts”….Counterthinking is quick, takes little energy, and can be used anytime, anywhere.  When a negative thought is getting the better of you, give it a reality check.  What are you telling yourself that’s making you so upset?  Is it the truth?  Are there more rational assessments of the situation?  Absolutes are a good indication that you should come up with a new thought: “I must buy this car,” “I am bad at saving money”—anything that doesn’t leave room for discussion.  What new tune are you going to play when that old song comes up?  How are you going to rewrite scripts that don’t serve your best interests?....
·      Assertiveness.  Trying to overcome problem behavior can result in feelings of weakness and helplessness, especially if there are people or other outside influences that resist or are threatened by the changes you want to make.  Exercising your right to be heard can build confidence.  In addition, don’t forget your right to make mistakes, change your mind, and resist other people’s judgments, as well as your right to not have to justify yourself.  Assertion crosses the line into aggression, however, when your assertiveness comes at the expense of others.

….Think about what it is in that behavior that you find gratifying.  A sense of control?  A distraction from boredom or depression?  Come up with some countering techniques for your behavior.  Be specific about how and when you can apply them.  Don’t forget that you’ll probably have to be flexible and try new techniques until you find the right solution.

Environmental Control.  While countering involves changing your responses, environmental control involves changing the situation itself.  It involves changing your environment in a way that reduces temptation.  An alcoholic, for example, has a better chance of success if he doesn’t keep alcohol in his house.  Controlling your environment is not a sign that you are too weak to be tempted.  It shows that you are strong enough to put yourself in the best possible situation to achieve success.

While avoidance is very effective when it comes to controlling your behavior, it’s not always a permanent solution.  Other techniques Dr. Prochaska and his colleagues suggest include:

• Cues.  Eventually you will be faced with a cue that triggers your problem behavior.  I once met a woman who felt the need to go on a shopping spree and get a makeover every time she saw well-dressed celebrities on award shows like the Oscars.  Dr. Prochaska recommends using your imagination to confront and plan for cues. Perhaps this woman could conjure up that anxious feeling she gets from watching the award shows.  She could remind herself that her family and friends love her for who she is, not for what she wears, until the feeling subsides. She could also tell one of her friends she has identified as a helping relationship that she will plan to call them for a “pat on the back” when the Golden Globe Awards come on.
• Reminders. Reminders are very effective during the action stage.  Putting a picture of your dream house where you keep your credit card, for example, will stop you from rushing full steam ahead into a purchase that is not high on your priority list.  “To do” lists are also effective.  Put your countering techniques near the top—things like counterthinking, Relaxing, and Exercise.

Rewards.  Many people do not believe they should be rewarded for changing problem behavior. Failing to reinforce positive self-change efforts, however, is essentially punishing yourself. Many psychologists say that punishment only temporarily suppresses troubled behavior. Dr. Prochaska and his colleagues found that successful changers rewarded and praised themselves for their efforts.  Many used these three techniques:

1.     Covert management.  If you choose to take a deep breath and relax until the urge to spend passes, congratulate yourself.  Telling yourself, “Nice job, it feels good to be in control,” is a much more effective tool for change than beating yourself up for having the urge in the first place.  The latter breaks down self-esteem, whereas a “pat on the back” reinforces your effort and makes you feel good about success you’re having in the change process.
2.     Contracting.  Many successful changers make contracts with themselves during the action stage.  Written contracts are even more powerful than spoken ones.  “Every time I put $200 into my child’s college fund, I will take the two of us to the movies.”  Tapping into helping relationships when using this technique can make your contracts more binding.
3.     Shaping up. By this Dr. Prochaska and his colleagues mean taking small steps to gradually reshape your behavior.  Well-practiced well-rewarded moves to put $25 a month into an investment account, for example, can lay a strong foundation for the time when you want to make the larger investments needed to attain your goals.  Gradually reshaping your behavior builds your resolve….

Helping Relationships.  You’ll rely on your helping relationships more in the action stage than you have in the previous stages.  It’s important  that your helpers are clear on your intentions, and the kind of support you need from them. You should ask for their help with your countering techniques.  You could ask a friend to exercise with you, and ask him or her to help you change your environment so that you can avoid tempting cues. As we discussed earlier, helping relationships are also very useful when it comes to sticking to contracts. In addition, praise and reward from those close to you goes a long way in helping you feel good about the changes you’ve made.

Think of the best people to provide you with the support you need during the action stage of change. Who will help you with the ways in which you are trying to counter your behavior? Who will help you stick to your contract? How can they be of the most help?....

The Maintenance Stage of Change

Successful change is not measured by action alone. It means you must sustain your new behavior for years, decades, or a lifetime. Sound challenging?  It is.  In addition, you won’t get that confidence boost from seeing the immediate results of taking action or the praise from people who see your dramatic changes. The new you is old news.  Dr. Prochaska and his colleagues define the maintenance stage as a busy, active period of change that requires you to learn new coping methods.  They say sustained, long-term effort and a revised lifestyle are the key ingredients to successfully maintaining the changes in your behavior.

As we discussed, there was something about your problem behavior that brought you some kind of gratification. That attraction will still be there long after the habit is broken. It is important to acknowledge that you are still vulnerable to the problem, even though you see it has no value.

Dr. Prochaska and his group identified three common threats to successfully maintaining your new behavior:

1.     Social pressures.  These come from those around you.  They may engage in the behavior you’re trying to change without realizing their actions are having an impact on you.
2.     Internal challenges.  These usually result from overconfidence or other forms of defective thinking. “I’ve been able to stop using my credit card for six months.  This one purchase won’t make a difference.” 
3.     Special situations.  The desire to “keep away from the Joneses and Gateses” and not buy cars that take up 30 percent of your income might be greatly challenged if you get a big bonus.

It is difficult to prepare for these challenges because they are usually unexpected.  Daily temptation and self-blame when urges or relapses hit were prevalent in people who failed to make lasting change.

Successful Change Techniques for People in the Maintenance Stage. People who successfully maintained behavioral change continued to use the change techniques that worked for them.  These brought them success:

Commitment.   Once you’ve changed your lifestyle and moved into maintenance, the threats to your new behavior are fewer and far between. You’ve controlled your environment, developed countering measures, and enlisted support.  That can make it easy to become complacent. Watch for signs like these that show that you have lessened your commitment: “I’ll skip my credit card payment just this month,” “I’ll start saving again next month; I already know that I can.”  Also, always remember to be patient with yourself, and keep your eye on the long-term benefits of your change.

 Reward. Take credit and responsibility for your accomplishments.  Remembering how far you’ve come and praising yourself for it can help keep you connected to how much you’ve already committed yourself.  This can be a great motivator when it comes to sustaining that commitment.

Helping Relationships. Give your helper permission to confront you if you start reverting to old behavior, express overconfidence, expose yourself to tempting situations, or break your contracts.  Also, let your helper know that he or she is “on call.”

Dr. Prochaska suggests making a crisis card for your wallet or pocketbook that also includes a set of instructions to follow if you slip:

1.     Review the problem.
2.     Substitute positive for negative thinking.
3.     Remember the benefits of change.
4.     Engage in rigorous distraction or exercise.
5.     Call my helper. Being a helper to someone with a similar problem is also helpful during the maintenance stage.

Environmental Controls.  Environmental controls are also a key ingredient when it comes to successfully maintaining change.  As your confidence grows, you’ll become more comfortable in the presence of certain temptations, but you may not be totally immune to them.  Continue to avoid people, places, and things that could compromise your change efforts, especially in the early months of maintenance.

Countering.  Dr. Prochaska says that working to create alternative behaviors is one of the most important parts of maintenance.  Make time for something that you’ve always wanted to do.  Countering negative thinking is equally as important.  Plan time to step back, check your thinking, and give yourself a reality check, so that you can keep negative thoughts from gaining a foothold….

The Termination Stage of Change

Termination is the final stage of change.  There is a great deal of debate over whether a behavior is ever truly terminated, or if people spend their lives in the maintenance stage.  Age seems to be a factor.  The older we get, the more likely we are to simply lose our appetite for some of our old behaviors.  Dr. Prochaska and his colleagues did find that some tendencies and behaviors could be terminated.  They identified these four criteria in people who had changed their behavior for good:

1.     A new self-image.  If a major revision in your attitude and self-image takes place during maintenance, there is a good [chance] you will reach termination.
2.     No temptation in any situation.  People who reached the termination stage felt no temptation to return to their old behavior, regardless of the situation. It wasn’t even a thought.
3.     Solid self-efficacy.  People who move from recovering to recovered are convinced that they can function well without ever engaging in their former behavior, no matter what the situation.  This is not false bravado; it’s a genuine self-confidence.  Their focus is on themselves, not their problems.
4.     A healthier lifestyle. People modify parts of their lives during maintenance.  They control their environment, change their social contacts, and counter old behaviors with new healthier ones. When a behavior is terminated, a healthier lifestyle becomes their way of life, without struggle.

Precontemplators don’t enjoy thinking about the consequences of their actions. Ask them to think about how a behavior will play out 5, 10, or 15 years down the road, and they are likely to become defensive and avoid answering the question.

Imagine yourself once you’ve terminated the behavior you want to change. How will you think, feel, and act? How will your thoughts be different?  How will your lifestyle be different?

De-cluttering gifts from other people

You may be one of those people who can’t bear to get rid of anything that was given to you.  You might be afraid that the gift-giver would be mad if they found out that you got rid of their gift.   How can you deal with this fear?

First of all, it helps to realize a fundamental principle of ownership--once someone has given you something, it no longer belongs to them.  It now belongs to you and you can do whatever you want with it without reference to them.    That big-eyed Precious Moments figurine Aunt Martha gave you is now yours to do whatever you want with.  You are within your rights to throw it at the wall or light it on fire or bury it in the back yard or tie it to your dog’s collar or put it on your mantel or give it away. 

Now, let’s say Aunt Martha says, “I will let you borrow my Precious Moments figurine for a while,” then the case is completely different.  When you borrow something from somebody you are not allowed to do things to it that might destroy it and you are not allowed to give it away.  You have the duty to keep that figurine safe for your Aunt Martha (and hope to heaven that she relieves you of it soon ;-) ).   If you were to give away to someone else the thing you borrowed, you can definitely expect Aunt Martha (or whoever you borrowed from) to be extremely ticked and demand restitution. 

Don’t confuse the duties of borrowing as part of ownership.  If Aunt Martha has previously gotten mad at you for disposing of the gifts she has given you, realize that Aunt Martha needs a reminder of the difference between expectations of borrowing and actual possession. 

 


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Queen Victoria's problem with hoarding

I’ve just been reading Queen Victoria: The Definitive Biography of England’s Famous Ruler by Lytton Strachey, and I found some interesting details about Queen Victoria in her later life.  It seems that she became somewhat of a hoarder.  I quote:

…Victoria was a woman not only of vast property but of innumerable possessions.  She had inherited an immense quantity of furniture, of ornaments, of china, of plate, of valuable objects of every kind; her purchases, throughout a long life, made a formidable addition to these stores; and there flowed in upon her, besides, from every quarter of the globe, a constant stream of gifts.  Over this enormous mass she exercised an unceasing and minute supervision, and the arrangement and the contemplation of it, in all its details, filled her with an intimate satisfaction.  The collecting instinct has its roots in the very depths of human nature; and, in the case of Victoria, it seemed to owe its force to two of her dominating impulses—the intense sense, which had always been hers, of her own personality, and the craving which, growing with the years, had become in her old age almost an obsession, for fixity, for solidity, for the setting up of palpable barriers against the outrages of change and time.  When she considered the multitudinous objects which belonged to her, or, better still, when, choosing out some section of them as the fancy took her, she actually savoured the vivid richness of their individual qualities, she saw herself deliciously reflected from a million facets, felt herself magnified miraculously over a boundless area, and was well pleased.  That was just as it should be; but then came the dismaying thought—everything slips away, crumbles, vanishes; Sevres dinner-services get broken; even golden basins go unaccountably astray; even one’s self, with all the recollections and experiences that make up one’s being, fluctuates, perishes, dissolves…But no!  It could not, should not be so!  There should be no changes and no losses!  Nothing should ever move—neither the past nor the present—and she herself least of all!  And so the tenacious woman, hoarding her valuables, decreed their immortality with all the resolution of her soul.  She would not lose one memory or one pin.

She gave orders that nothing should be thrown away—and nothing was. There, in drawer after drawer, in wardrobe after wardrobe, reposed the dresses of seventy years.  But not only dresses—the furs and the mantles and subsidiary frills and the muffs and the parasols and the bonnets—all were ranged in chronological order, dated and complete.  A great cupboard was devoted to the dolls; in the china room at Windsor a special table held the mugs of her childhood, and her children’s mugs as well.  Mementos of the past surrounded her in serried accumulations.  In every room the tables were powdered thick with the photographs of relatives; their portraits, revealing them at all ages, covered the walls; their figures, in solid marble, rose up from pedestals, or gleamed from brackets in the form of gold and silver statuettes.  The dead, in every shape—in miniatures, in porcelain, in enormous life-size oil-paintings—were perpetually about her.  John Brown stood upon her writing table in solid gold.  Her favorite horses and dogs, endowed with a new durability, crowded round her footsteps.  Sharp in silver gilt, dominated the dinner table; Boy and Boz lay together among unfading flowers, in bronze. And it was not enough that each particle of the past should be given the stability of metal or of marble: the whole collection, in its arrangement, no less than its entity, should be immutably fixed. There might be additions, but there might never be alterations.  No chintz might change, no carpet, no curtain, be replaced by another; or, if long use at last made it necessary, the stuffs and the patterns must be so identically reproduced that the keenest eye might not detect the difference.  No new picture could be hung upon the walls of Windsor, for those already there had been put in their places by Albert, whose decisions were eternal.  So, indeed, were Victoria’s.  To ensure that they should be the aid of the camera was called in.  Every single article in the Queen’s possession was photographed from several points of view.  These photographs were submitted to Her Majesty, and when, after careful inspection, she had approved of them, they were placed in a series of albums, richly bound.  Then, opposite each photograph, an entry was made, indicating the number of the article, the number of the room in which it was kept, its exact position in the room and all its principal characteristics.  The fate of every object which had undergone this process was henceforth irrevocably sealed.  The whole multitude, once and for all, took up its steadfast station.  And Victoria, with a gigantic volume or two of the endless catalogue always beside her, to look through, to ponder upon, to expatiate over, could feel, with a double contentment, that the transitoriness of this world had been arrested by the amplitude of her might.

Thus the collection, ever multiplying, ever encroaching upon new fields of consciousness, ever rooting itself more firmly in the depths of instinct, became one of the dominating influences of that strange existence.  It was a collection not merely of things and of thoughts, but of states of mind and ways of living as well.”  (Lytton Strachey.  Queen Victoria: The Definitive Biography of England’s famous ruler.  Harcourt Brace & Co.  New York.  1921.  p298-301)

With plenty of servants and money, Queen Victoria certainly could afford to keep whatever she wanted.  She didn’t have to care for any of it.  But in spite of that, her stuff still became a “dominating influence.”  In short, even Queen Victoria became enslaved by her stuff.  This is quite ironic because her biography shows in other places how determined Victoria was not to be dominated by anybody. 

“When she considered the multitudinous objects which belonged to her, or, better still, when, choosing out some section of them as the fancy took her, she actually savoured the vivid richness of their individual qualities, she saw herself deliciously reflected from a million facets, felt herself magnified miraculously over a boundless area, and was well pleased”  -- Queen Victoria seems to have adopted the idea that the vast amount of her possessions symbolized her power, and that all the different characteristics of them symbolized her personality.   This is not a good perspective to have because any loss of possessions would then symbolize to her a loss of her power and a loss of her personality.   But really, she wouldn’t have been any less powerful or have less personality if all her possessions were to go up in flames. 

“No chintz might change, no carpet, no curtain, be replaced by another; or, if long use at last made it necessary, the stuffs and the patterns must be so identically reproduced that the keenest eye might not detect the difference.” – How boring!  Getting something different when the old wears out is what makes it not so sad to have things wear out!  It’s like a lack of faith that something different can ever be as wonderful as the familiar.

I have written before about how journaling is a helpful method for de-cluttering.  Elsewhere in her biography it was pointed out how careful a journaler Queen Victoria was.  And yet, she didn’t realize how journaling could keep her memories fresh without having to actually keep the objects that triggered those memories.  One technique that professional organizers recommend is for people to take pictures of their sentimental objects and then let those objects go.  Queen Victoria had pictures taken of all her gifts and possessions and still kept them, which defeated the purpose of taking the pictures in the first place. 

When I think about Queen Victoria’s situation, I can’t help but see how hard it would have been for her to escape the slavery to her possessions.  First of all, she was the queen, and it would be difficult for anyone in awe of royalty to tell a queen that she needed to de-clutter.  Second, she was a very determined and stubborn woman.  Third, with all her resources, it would be difficult to make a clear case that she was being hurt by all her accumulation, as she had servants to clean or store or move or catalog her stuff and she had the money to make more places to store it.  Fourth, with all the valuable gifts that poured in and all the objects triggering memories, the task of making decisions about what was most important and most valuable to her would be made harder.  (I don’t think it would be impossible, but I think it would be harder.)  I really pity the next in line to the throne who had to deal with all that stuff.

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De-cluttering journals

When a loved one dies, their journals are a priceless artifact that allows their memory to live on.  However, there are different difficulties that can crop up in deciding who gets to keep the journals. 

If there is only one journal and more than one person who is interested in having it, the best method would be to hire someone to type up the journal so that others can have copies. 

If the departed was a prolific journal-writer, the solution can be as simple as dividing the journal volumes up among those interested, however, a new problem also arises: no one person has a copy of the whole story.  There are several solutions for this:

·      Someone could read through all the journals and create a condensed life narrative incorporating the most important events in the life of the deceased so that everyone can get a bird’s eye view.  (Huge project!) 

·      Another solution would be to create a blog that is accessible only to the family, to type of the journals, and upload them onto the blog so that everyone in the family can read them. (Also a huge project!)

·      Another solution might be for each party that has a journal to type up a condensed version of the important events in the journal they have and then compile those summaries together with the others to share with each person. 

·      Another solution might be to ask everyone to pass their journal on to the next person who has a journal so that eventually everyone can read the whole story.  Perhaps a schedule can be made of when to pass the journal on.

I went looking online to see what other people thought about de-cluttering journals and it turns out there is a wide segment of the population that has journalled faithfully through their life and would be “absolutely mortified” if anyone else read what they wrote from their teens and twenties.  (Yes, “absolutely mortified” is the phrase that is universally used.)  Evidently this wide segment of the population has used their journals mostly as a place to vent their anger and frustration and as a place to record the lurid details of their love lives.

So, if you are one of these people, you may wonder how to deal with your journals.  

1. Try looking at your journal as if from the perspective of your great-great-grandson or great-great-granddaughter who knows nothing of you personally except what they’ve been told by their parents or grandparents.  Try looking at it from the perspective of someone who views your present as the distant past and who wonders what it was like to live in “that age.” 

2. For the sake of this distant person, try to select the best things from your journal that you can isolate from the dross and pass on.

3. Read through your journals with a highlighter and outline all the sections that you feel are worth keeping.  If you have more good than bad, tear out the bad or scribble over it with a heavy black marker and tape paper over it.  If you have very little that is good, tear out the good sections to keep and burn the rest of the journal. 

4. Consider producing an “edited” version of your journal.  Feel free to cross things out and write in the margins telling how you look back on this and realize how you wish you had acted or reacted differently and why.  Share what lessons you learned from the experience.  Your experience is not wasted if it helps someone else keep from making the same mistakes you did.

Do you need extra help with organizing and de-cluttering? Hire me! Go to www.phoenixhomeorganizing.com for more information about my services! Did this article help you? Be sure to share it with your friends!

De-cluttering the guilt-ridden stuff

One of the things that makes it hard for many people to de-clutter is emotional attachment and sentiment. It is hard to get rid of things that trigger positive emotions and pleasant memories.

But there’s another kind of emotional attachment to our stuff that we may develop, almost in spite ourselves. This brand of attachment is negative and it is associated with guilt. A lot of times it is associated with bad gifts we receive from good friends and beloved family. Other times it may be clothes that we haven’t fit in years and we are keeping them to motivate ourselves to lose weight. Or it may be misguided purchases that wasted our money and we just can’t bear to let go because it cost so much. It may be associated with craft projects we never finished.

The best way to overcome guilt is with forgiveness. This means we must practice forgiving ourselves. Here are some examples.

A few Christmases ago, my mother-in-law asked me what I wanted her to get me and I told her I wanted crystal. I was thinking of modifying my dining room light and making it into a sort of crystal chandelier with strings of crystals dripping from it. When I said “crystal”, I had “strings of little crystals” in mind. My mother-in-law interpreted “crystal” to mean “little crystal statue” and sent me a crystal swan. Not only was I disappointed (yes, sorry Leann, nothing personal!),  but I felt guilty for being disappointed, because I realized it was my fault for not being more specific. I didn’t want a crystal swan, because I don't care for knick-knacks, but I felt compelled to keep the swan, because.. well.. because it was beautiful, and my mother-in-law gave it to me, and I love my mother-in-law. Eventually, though, I realized just how silly it was to keep something I didn’t like simply out of guilt. I forgave myself for giving such unspecific directions, and since part of forgiving is forgetting about it, I made sure I’d forget by donating the swan to a thrift store. Because I won’t see it, I won’t remember it.

One thing that might deter us from giving away bad gifts is the fear that our relatives will ask us, “What did you think of the _____ I sent you?” We fear that our desire to please our relatives will overcome our desire to be truthful and that we will have to lie and say it was fabulous when we thought it was horrifically ugly. We all want to be able to please our relatives and say we loved the gift, but if we really don’t, first, we can’t lie with believable enthusiasm, and secondly, we are diluting our ability to express our true appreciation for future good gifts. What’s the worst that can happen if we say, “I thought someone else would enjoy it better than I could, so I gave it away.”? At worst you could mortally offend a rich relative and be cut out of their will. (But that’s still not so bad, because you don’t miss what you never had in the first place.) And what if that gift giver consistently gives terrible gifts? Then it might be to your advantage to be frank so that they will stop giving you gifts. If they are good at giving gifts, it would be to your advantage to be truthful and even help them out with suggestions for good gifts, because it will help them know better what you would like.  Don't expect them to be a mind-reader or a champion guesser.

What about the clothes we keep which we used to fit into and don’t any more? Of course, we keep them because we intend to lose weight some day so that we can fit them again. However, we forget that during the weighty years those clothes we hang onto go out of style, especially the more extreme styles, so even if we did lose weight, we would need a new wardrobe anyway. It is best to forgive yourself for not having lost weight earlier, and get rid of the old, small clothes so you can forget about how long they’ve been sitting under your bed. Then, after you’ve lost weight, rather than thinking you are merely an older version of the thin you once were, it will seem like you’re a new, thinner you.

Another guilt-attachment we may have to our stuff is when we’ve made misguided purchases that wasted our money and we just can’t bear to let go because it cost so much. We have to remember that though there is the money that we paid for it that is being wasted, the longer we keep that something, the more money we waste paying rent on the space it takes up. Forgive yourself for your bad purchase. Getting rid of it both cuts your losses, and allows you to forget about it.

Some may think that it is important to keep those things around in order to remind yourself not to make stupid purchases, but anyone able to learn from their mistakes will naturally become a wiser, more cautious buyer. A wiser buyer doesn’t need reminders of their past stupidity hanging around in order to buy wisely. If anything, hanging on to those purchases has the effect of sapping confidence in one’s self.

What about the craft projects we never finished? Keeping around old, unfinished craft projects not only causes guilt, but it discourages us from getting involved in better, more exciting craft projects. “I can’t do that, because I have a million un-finished things at home.” This locks us into a cycle of “I didn’t finish” guilt and “I can’t do what I want to do” loss and frustration. If the craft projects go unfinished, it is because other things are a higher priority. If you honestly think that there will never come a time when you will be interested enough to finish that cross stitch, then it is time to forgive yourself for not finishing it. Get rid of it so that you can forget about it and be free to get involved in projects that are really important to you. (And don’t feel you are obligated to finish the unfinished craft projects of your dearly departed relatives.) I was finally able to get rid of an old knitting project I had stalled on years ago.

After we do this, it is important to remember that just because that thing seems to define us, it doesn’t mean that it is us. If we get rid of it, we are not getting rid of a physical part of our bodies. We can live and breathe and eat and sleep without that thing. Rather than saying our stuff defines who we are, it would be better to say that it is more an extension of our personality, or an expression of our personality. But even this view is mostly based upon our materialistic culture of “self-expression through possession”. We easily forget that our culture is also based upon freedom of speech, and because of that, the most dynamic and meaningful outlet of self-expression is our words and our deeds. In this way, we can realize that our words and deeds define who we are far better than what we own. (This is a “dangerous” doctrine; it implies a rich person and a poor person define themselves equally well.)

Looking at it this way, we can see that our stuff can define our present personality or our past personality. But to hang on to old stuff seems to be looking backward instead of forward. We need to realize that when we can let go of the things that defined us in the past, we will have room for the future things that come along that define us in the future. It takes real confidence in the future that there are better things waiting for us in the future.

Why are you saving your old bill statements?

There are those of us who save our old monthly statements for all our bills that we have paid. We’re not sure why we do it, but we do it anyway. We have a vague feeling that somehow that information is important and that we may need it someday.

That fuzzy feeling of “I might need it someday” is your ENEMY. The vague feeling of discomfort and uncertainty needs to be confronted and banished, and the best way to do that is with hard facts about what information on the statement is useful and what is not.

I’ll tell you what I have found through experience about what info is useful and what is not.

I used to save all our bills that came in. When I finally got to the point that I and my husband were ready to make and live by a budget, those bills came in handy for determining average amounts that we should put in each of our bill categories each month. Because I had saved our bill statements, I had a history of bill charges that I could use to make a realistic budget. In fact, I went so far as to put all those charges for each month into a spreadsheet which added them all up and found the average for me. Once I put the amounts in the spreadsheet, I could shred my bills.

One other bit of information I put in a spreadsheet was usage information. For water, I put the amount of gallons we used. For electricity I put in the number of kilowatt hours we used. For telephone, I put the number of long-distance minutes we talked. This made it so that I could tell at a glance if there was anything strange in our patterns of usage. When we developed a bad water leak in the sprinkler system of the house that we were renting, I was alerted not just because the charges were higher, but because the water usage amount was three times higher than our usual water usage. (Disclosure: There was comparison information on my bill statement too about usage from a year ago, so I didn’t really get this info from my spreadsheet. But I could have.)

After I collected the dollar amounts and usage info from my bills, I shredded all our old bill statements. YES. I SHREDDED THEM! SHREDDED. Into little. Pieces. Of. Paper. I shredded them. (Insert triumphant cackle of laughter here) It was very satisfying to free all that space up in our files.

In short, the only reason a file full of old bills is important is if you are going to collect dollar amounts and usage amounts out of them for building a budget. But even if you DON’T record that info somewhere, ultimately, there will be no negative consequences to you if you decide to get rid of them anyway. The phone company will not break down your door and haul you off to a little chain-link fenced compound out in the desert if you get rid of your phone statements. Your power company will not charge you extra if it discovers you have discarded your old electrical bill statements. Believe me, it won’t. No consequences!

If you want to know, you only need to keep your most recent bill statement which has your account number information on it and any phone numbers you would call if you have a problem. And heck, if you were to record that information on a spreadsheet with the charges, you wouldn’t even need to keep that statement.

Oh wait, I forgot. Sometimes your city landfill will require you to show a most recent utility bill in order to drop off a load of stuff there, so maybe you should just keep ONE statement, if you take loads to the dump. But if you don't, don't bother.

Now.. if you are thinking about making a spreadsheet and putting years of your bill information on it, but you are intimidated by the size of that project, let me give you a tip. Doing a spreadsheet like this is pretty close to “being too organized” because it adds an extra layer to a work flow that disorganized people find onerous to begin with.

If you have troubles getting through this series of tasks, then don’t bother making a spreadsheet:

· Bring in the mail

· Sort out the bills and discard unneeded mail

· Put bills in a place that they will not be lost.

· Pay bills when they are due.

· File bills.

If you tend to put the bills someplace and then have troubles finding them so you can pay them on time, then making a spreadsheet for your bills is NOT something you should do. In fact, if you have troubles losing your bills, I am telling you now, THROW AWAY ALL YOUR OLD BILL STATEMENTS WHENEVER YOU FIND THEM. They only confuse you. Your concern should be making a consistent home for your unpaid bills so that you will always find them when you need to pay them.

The goal is to be organized enough that you pay your obligations. Anything after that is just extra credit points.

Dealing with de-cluttering fear

I ran across the Blog “Be More with Less” with the post “Busting Your Biggest Clutter Fears” and thought I would give my take on some of the fears discussed and add a few tips of my own. So.. what are your biggest clutter fears?

I’m afraid I’ll have to buy it again

Are you one of those people who are reluctant to get rid of things you don’t use because you are afraid you’ll only have to buy it again later?

The best way to overcome this fear is to think about how many times you have used it so far, and then make a projection based upon how you live your life now how much you will have occasion to use it in the future. If you live life in the future very much like you live life today, what are the chances that you will use this object?

One of the mistakes we often make is to think that we HAVE to own and keep everything we use, even if we only used it once. A better way is to own and keep things that we have a very high probability of needing and using OFTEN.

Let me give you an example. I bought a crowbar a few months ago because I thought I was going to need to use it to change out some cement tiles on my roof. In the end, I didn’t really need to use it because a fellow from my church was kind enough to do the job for me. Yet I have been hanging on to the crowbar out of worry that if I let go of it, I will only need to buy it again later.

Yet, if I try to determine the probability of me having a need to use the crowbar, I find that I shouldn’t worry about it. Crowbars are used for prying things. Our house is pretty nice the way it is and I don’t have any project that I’d need a crowbar for. Neither I or my husband are into carpentry. The claw on our claw hammer is a pretty good tool for prying if we ever need it. If life continues as it is into the future for at least ten years, the probability of an occasion to use the crowbar is very very low. Probably near .25%. I can now put the crowbar in our discard box.

I’m afraid my stuff won’t go to the right place.

Let’s put this fear in perspective. When a young girl puts her newborn baby up for adoption, she would be justified in her concern that her baby will go to the right place. In comparison to this, inanimate objects deserve much less worry.

It is good to put some effort into making sure the stuff that you get rid of goes to the right place, but you have to know where to draw the line. Too much concern for everything means that the burden of de-cluttering anything becomes prohibitively heavy.

One of the fastest, easiest methods of getting your stuff to the “right place” is to drop it off at the donation center of the nearest thrift store. The economic value of thrift stores is that they are an aggregation of many different types of objects that would be difficult to find homes for individually. They are a place that many people can come and pick out what they want and like. There is a higher probability that your precious whatsit will find a buyer there than if you were to take all your time and ask all your friends if they need it. The advantage to you is that while your whatsit is waiting for a buyer, it is not taking up space in your house any more, and you get a tax deduction for a charitable contribution.

Your main two concerns should be getting lightly used articles to a place where they can be used, and getting recyclables where they should go. But some stuff is going to have to go to the landfill. Accept that you’ve done your best and let go.

I’m afraid I won’t have anything left to give my children.

The best thing besides your love and attention that you can give your children is to keep a journal. Journals are like a piece of yourself; they communicate all the stories and memories you choose to record. When you are gone from the earth, your children will appreciate having your journals the most, perhaps even more than having many photos of you.

I’m afraid that if I let go of something sentimental, I’ll forget the memory.

Many organizing professionals advocate taking a picture of your sentimental items. My problem with this advice is that it doesn’t fully seem to deal with the difficulty. The difficulty is caused because there are good memories and feelings associated with the item and those feelings have to be honored and validated in a way that is as satisfying and long-lasting as keeping the item would be.

A better way to honor those memories is to write about them in a journal. By writing about the feelings, they are preserved for the future. The triumphs, dreams, and all the pleasant feelings can be communicated to others, which is part of the fun of remembering.

“I’m afraid that I wasted money on things and giving stuff away is like money down the drain.”

Time to confront that fear…ask yourself: how much money are you going to have to pay to get rid of your stuff? If the answer is what I think it is, you don’t have to pay anything. If you have to pay to let go, only then can you really say that giving stuff away is “money down the drain.”

If you are have a sneaking suspicion that you wasted your money on buying something, it isn’t going to do you any good to hang on to it. Repent and get rid of it! Confess that you have wasted your money, and then resolve that you will stop wasting your space. As commenter Rita@thissortaoldlife wrote on http://www.bemorewithless.com/2012/busting-your-biggest-clutter-fears/, “keeping the clothes I never wore would not get me the money back or justify the expenitures—and once the truth of their value (not much) was seen, I could not un-see it. Getting rid of them did remove the constant-visual reminder of the choices I regretted. It was much easier to move on and leave them in the past…”

If I let go of ______, someone in my family will be mad.

Is it your stuff or their stuff? If they have given it to you, then YOU are the one who gets to choose what to do with it, not them. If you are worried about them getting mad at you if you get rid of it, ask them if they want it. If they don’t want it, then you can get rid of it without fear. If they get mad after that, remind them that you have a right to do what you want with the stuff that belongs to you and remind them that you offered it to them beforehand.